Tonight as I was tucking the little ones in I took a moment to tell Butterbean the story once again of the day she came into the world. Telling her birth story the night before Mother's Day was a special reminder to me of the journey I walked until that day came to be.
In 2008, after four years of miscarriages, a few months of non-invasive fertility treatments and a lot of emotional ups and downs, I walked out onto the patio of our home in Melbourne Beach and cried my last empty womb cry. As an adopted child, myself, my walk in the 'valley of no babies' was one of mixed emotions. In one part of my heart I wanted to experience the physical joys of carrying my own child and finally having someone in my family that 'had my eyes' or 'had my nose.' Yet in the other parts of my heart I treasured the blessings of my parents' own infertility that in God's plan gave me a home of love and laughter.
On that day I released to the Lord my whole heart - all of those parts - all of those conflicting feelings. I reached out for the hem of His garment, and assured Him that I was content with whatever His answer would be.
For some reason I thought that release would have left me with unspeakable peace and comfort. Instead I found myself experiencing deep sorrow and grief. It seemed as if all those emotions from the past years of struggle bubbled to the top. Letting go made me sad.
It was in those days that I learned the beauty of no control. The Lord brought me to a place in my life where I understood fully that He really does have the whole world in His hands. Not my hands. Not a doctor's hands. His hands.
In His mercy He answered me a few months later. My pregnancy with Butterbean was fraught with scares and bedrest. I lived 10 months more in the beauty of no control. On the night she was born, when she cried her first cry, I realized I had no idea how to be a mommy. I knew then that the rest of my earthly days would be walked out in the beauty of no control.
Tonight I told Butterbean that she made me a mommy. She looked at me with an excited smile and said, "Babies make mommies?" Yes they do. And they make mommies rest fully in the arms of their Savior.
If you are being awakened to the beauty of no control in your own walk through the 'valley of no babies' you may find love and support here...